Brainsplotion

So I just needed to get it out. Be heard. I have CPTSD. I have been suffering from this for a long time now and it has been one hell of a long hard road. Especially not understanding what was going on or having any type of diagnosis for years except anxiety. But it was never just anxiety. There were days when I wanted to die. Days when I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs “FUCK ALL OF THIS!!!!!” There were days when caring about anything was too much of an energy requirement so I would just stay in bed and heal (hide). There were days where the flashbacks made me wanna crawl the walls or run as far as I possibly could to anywhere and everywhere but my body didn’t want to move or do anything more than go to the restroom… and even that was a chore. Way to make someone wanna go crazy. Just call me twitch. haha

There was so much more to say, but my laptop died in mid sentence. This is just a glimpse of where I have been and where I am no longer….  meow.

Advertisements

The Bucket List

This is my Bucket List. It will get longer over time and things that have been accomplished will be shown but crossed through. I wanna do all the things!

Swim with dolphins

Visit California

Hike the AT

Buy a lot of land

Live offgrid

Buy an RV

Leave the country

Go to outer space

Visit Ireland

Visit Sweden

Visit India

Travel the country in my RV

See Havasu Falls

Visit Oregon

Visit Colorado

Live in a tree house

Live in the woods near a waterfall

Be Free

Witness a total solar eclipse

Live and work on a farm

Go to Burning Man!

Own my own business

Become a successful craftswoman and artist

Learn to spin fire and be a circus freak

 

 

 

 

Magical Thinking

When you take your whimsy

By the flimsy

And tell it where to go

Magical concoctions

And excited eruptions

Are sure to overflow. 

Poem

Sure, I took the bulk of the blows,

But that just eased the next one’s woes

And validated the last one’s wrath.

God knows he didn’t clean up the aftermath.

Practical Activism

I have been thinking a lot about the situation in Standing Rock and similar occurrences of social activism happening all over the country. I am so proud of my brothers and sisters who are risking their well being and at times their lives to protect what is sacred. To protect life.  I had such a burning desire to go to North Dakota in the middle of winter. I WANTED to camp in the cold, work hard, face “the man” without fear, learn to appreciate our Mother more and grow as a human being. Then I looked at my life in its current state.  I was discouraged by the reality that at this very moment in time, when my heart is already thousands of miles away living in a tipi, I could not do that and fix the wounds and problems that were here at home. And let’s face it. No matter how far or fast you run, the unresolved past usually catches up with you eventually. I chose to stay home and care for myself and my little pack, as well as plant seeds for the future. 

Fast forward a few more months (maybe 6), I knew I had made the right choice. My burning desire to help change the world for the better was still in full force as always,  but I also had an extreme pull to keep the forward momentum going here at the Blanket Fort. I worked on my emotional and physical health, my animals’ health (in the blink of an eye, I now have a senior dog!), caring for my home, growing my own food, building two businesses, building bridges and mending broken ones. All of these things made me feel empowered, yet something still felt like it was missing. My part in social and environmental justice. It’s been engrained inside of me since I was very very small. Take care of others as you would yourself. Show care and love. Yes! But how can I balance activism with all of the other things I needed in my life? I signed petitions, attended protests, gathered funds and  items for those that were on the front lines of it all. I found myself exhausted. It wasn’t balanced. I had to find other ways to make an impact, and the perfectionist in me wanted it to be a big one. After a lot of pondering and meditation, I realized I was already making the impact in what I changed within my life. Here is what I mean…

First, By growing food in my yard using permaculture and biodynamic techniques, I am not only taking charge of my own health, I am helping rebuild the soil that has been depleted of its nutrients from years of pollution and trash that is common in my neighborhood. I am building a mini paradise in the middle of the city! Not to mention, being healthy yourself, allows you to do more for you, your community, and your surroundings. Win/win! 

Second, I buy food and supplies from local farms that use safe and friendly farm practices, farmers markets, flea markets, and use the barter system. This greatly impacts not only my health and well being, but also my local economy. It’s a great form of activism to just stop using the system that you are against. Don’t like Monsanto’s frankenfood? Grow it yourself. Or stress hormones and disease in the meat that comes from mistreated animals in the agriculture industry? (And the methane gas? Wow. Have you driven past a place with hundreds of cows standing shoulder to shoulder pooping, peeing, and eating wherever they can? I have. I could smell them about two miles before my eyes could see the abuse. We can do better than this.) Buy from a trusted farmer or butcher that gets the meat from a trusted source. Farm to table butchering workshops are enlightening. Check out the sources of your food and supplies and buy natural whenever possible. It’s seems small, but actually makes a huge impact. Especially if more of us make the switch. 

Third, I like to use sustainable and/or earth friendly supplies whenever possible. I make my own cleaners and bath/body products to ensure quality control and cost effectiveness. (I sell these as well). I store these in reuseable glass containers. I buy in bulk and avoid plastic and unnecessary packaging like the plague (NO DAPL!) I am in the process of switching to solar and wind power and rain catching to reduce dependacy on the grid and also to use more sustainable resources. A future goal of mine is to convert my car to use a form of energy other than oil. 

Lastly, I prefer to rely on my own resources more than publicly funded and provided. Taking charge of my health, education, assets and thinking for myself changed my life drastically for the better. I am moving away from banks and imaginary money.  Bartering and using recycled or upcycled materials is not only easy on the wallet, but creates less waste. We literally have enough resources on the planet to live in abundance, if we use our creative minds and consume less. Also, learning to  live with less and sharing our skills and “wealth” distributes it better to much needed places. Western medicine and public education are helpful and positive in many ways, but seem to be lacking in many others. I like to supplement where they lack. Holistic medicine, herbology, acupuncture, massage therapy, Traditional Chinese Medicine and the library are my best allies. Basically, you just need to remember, no one knows it all. You can and should do your own research and ask a lot of questions. Why not? It’s your life and everyone’s future that can benefit from knowledge and integrity. Oh, and share that too!! 

And what is the point of sharing all this with you? I’m sharing because knowledge is power, sharing is caring, and love always wins. I want everyone to feel empowered in their own situation, as unique as it is. I want everyone to know its not hopeless and we have options. We don’t have to be the strong and brave Water Protectors on the front lines to do our part and make a positive impact. We can all be an activist if we actively make changes in our own life and surroundings. And if you have the bravery and spunk to be outspoken and proactive in a more in your face (yet peaceful)  kind of way, by all means do that too. The world needs a lot less fear, and tons more love right now. Give Mamma a hug. ❤️🦄

Desire, How I Missed Thee…

Things to Remember:
There is virtue in all that you do. EVERYTHING has purpose. Time is a wheel, not a line. You are the Gatekeeper. Unicorns and Fairies DO EXIST. Heaven is actually NeverNeverLand. We are one. Sparkles, onesies, and body paint are always an option. Do what you want. Harm none. LOVE PREVAILS ALL.

Snow Daze

I’m here. I’m breathing. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing. NOTHING I suppose. This is definitely way better than facing the threat of getting my face blown off every day, yet since that threat isn’t there at the moment, I feel all kinds of discontent for my position. In an attempt to make my life better through chasing sparkles, danger, excitement, happiness, love, (ALL THE THINGS!), I successfully made it stay exactly the way it was before. Empty. None of those things stood a chance of filling me up, because there is something very much more important missing. An enormous, gaping ravine of nothingnes begging to be violated over and over until the tears stop and the body begins to move. “Come on body, just move.” Nothing….
What to do? ANYTHING. There it is again. Just do something. Get moving. Make the gears turn. Make the muscles move. It’s medicine.
I see this pattern repeated continuously through many of the faces I see throughout life every day. My family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, even the cashier at the local coffee shop. Emptiness. Lack of being full. Something missing for this heart to be whole. The want to be free, for just a little while, of the chase that seems to be never ending.
And I will tell you now, that I have no answers. I wish I did. I can’t figure this one out. How can I have what I need and be so completely aloof? Why do those little voices say such mean things when I am aimlessly floating around the ethereal simply trying to get my groove on. Maybe they are jealous. Maybe they are just jerks. Or maybe they are me. Trying to tell myself to aim higher, do better, love harder. Even at the expense of me. I know that’s kinda silly. Me destroys Me. Now there’s a truth that isn’t spoken enough.

Aside

Previous Older Entries

%d bloggers like this: